I'm sorry, I know I scared you, thinking hell must have frozen over if I somehow discarded my perpetual and tragic need to be right.  Don’t worry, I very much believe that April Fools jokes are only sometimes appropriate on the actual named holiday, and even then…think twice.  So rest assured, this is not an April Fools joke. (But as usual there will be some sarcasm on a beautiful spring Friday.)

Lately I’ve been having lots of conversations about….needing to be right.  And needing to know what’s coming next.  And thinking that anyone actually knows what’s right and what’s next.  Do you also suffer from this same affliction, of thinking everyone else knows where their life is heading?  Everyone else is on some linear path towards something?  

Let me help you out.  I don’t think anyone is, ever, living that peaceful, upward-trajectory-only life.  I mean, if you are on a linear path somewhere, and life has been serving you a steady diet of predictable and delicious bite sized bonbons, let’s talk.  But assuming that’s not the case, my congratulations to you.  You, my friend, are living the dream.

What dream!? Good question. 

I believe this photo happened after a warhead eating contest at breakfast.  Baby Claire did not partake.  

My dream - the one that I want to live - is one where life is not predictable.  Check, pretty sure all of us have that down.  The more difficult, next part of the dream, is where I can actually flow with the unpredictability.  Something happens, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s “good” or “bad,” or “big” or “small,” or any number of qualitative judgments I can put on it.  Rather, when said thing happens, I get to respond and move and create from this new place.

Think of a fantastic conversation.  One where you have enough in common with the other person that you can speak similar languages, but they have enough different experiences or different ways of thinking that they make you think.  Each new moment is an addition on the last, and the conversation reaches a place that it never would have, if you were talking to your doppelgänger.  That would be an excellent way to flow with life.

Or, where someone randomly off the street drops a huge piece of wisdom on you. And perhaps it makes you think, and maybe even makes you uncomfortable, for a little while.  But in working with that piece of wisdom, you magically are elevated, and you look back, grateful for that rude truth bombing.

Well, this iterative process is my dream for life.  And that dream cannot possibly happen in a world where the predictable bonbons are served up on a silver tray. Sorry, Lauren. As usual, I'm writing to you about these little reminders that I need for myself.

And that brings me to today. I decided to surprise release a song that I've been honestly waiting to release for months. It has meant so much to me, and been such a beacon for me in my musical journey, that I wanted the perfect release, the perfect plan. And I waited, until two weeks ago, when I decided to just let it go, without the plan.

This obsession is ironic because the song itself is about waking up one day and not being ok with where I am.  About realizing that in my tightly wound attempt at control, I missed the mark - by miles.  This grip I had on my life actually hurt me, and I was paying the price.

Life can be more than this.

And here I am, 6+ years later, having processed that god-awful, sinking feeling, to say that it's true.  Life is more than that suffering.  And I must have learned something, because I realized that tightly controlling everything in this song process wasn't going to lead me where I wanted to go.  Somehow, magically, without me even realizing it.  Is it crazy to let go, no plan, and see what happens?  Probably. But worth a shot.

Always,

Lauren

THANKS FOR READING!