Dearest earth travelers -

I’m at a show right now, for a label called Jazz Is Dead, which suggests that someone has been listening to Alanis and Jagged Little Pill, wanting to show the world what real irony looks like. The room is packed, the band is cutting edge, and people under the age of 80 are into it. The show is … cool.  Dont be confused by the beanie on the guy on stage. 

If someone asked you what you want, right now, would you be able to answer? I always thought of myself as one of those people.  “I know,” I would say, full of self confidence. And deliver a speech that Tony Robbins would be proud of. 

At least on the surface. You could have challenged me, for sure, but I probably would have pushed back and swallowed my frustration. Oh yeah. That confident. 

Lately I’ve been more honest about my not knowing. I’m certainly not comfortable with the not knowing. But it’s too uncomfortable, at least for me in this moment, to fake it. Hey, it’s a start. 

What am I unsure of? You tell me, cause I guarantee you, you’ve heard it before. What matters more, passion or money? How do you find a balance? Oh and what about family? Where does that fit it? Do I really want to watch Netflix right now? Am I actually tired or should I push through and do this thing that matters to me that I’ve been putting off (in other words, do I really truly want to do the thing I’ve been procrastinating on for 4 months)? 

Apologies for the Friday morning anxiety. I’m coming clean, relieving myself of the burden of pretending, and through the process, I would never want to burden you. Rather, I hope you find comfort in knowing that if you also are unsure, you are not alone. In the words of the great Nisargadatta Maharaj,

I am that. We can be that together. 

As I’m confessing all of this to you, I’m hearing myself search for a certainty that’s unlikely in this lifetime. I don’t know if the Tim Ferrises are just a different breed, or maybe I’m misinterpreting their confidence for certainty. That’s entirely possible. But in the meantime, I’m going to work, baby. Work to get comfortable with the uncertainty, and find the confidence in that. If I can. Why not?

Always, 
XIMXIA

THANKS FOR READING!